When it comes to having kids, some people just KNOW that's what they want and it's what they've always wanted. Others are a hard no. And then there are the fence-sitters who could make a solid argument either way. If you're in the last camp, this article is for you!
As a therapist in Los Angeles who works primarily with millennials, a topic that often comes up in therapy sessions is whether or not to have kids. There are so many factors that come into play when making this decision. Millennials could be the first generation to actually ponder this question consciously, as previous generations for the most part have followed societal norms when it comes to having kids. It's always been "the done thing."
Millennials have also delayed having kids for many reasons such as investing more time and money into career development, financial limitations (as a result of a changing economic landscape,) relationship readiness, an increased desire for personal growth and for the freedom that comes along with delayed child-bearing (such as more travel opportunities.)
This delay allows for more time to sit with this question and evaluate "is having kids really right for me?" If you're grappling with this, here are some things to keep in mind to help you come to more clarity in your decision-making process:
Why Is the Question “Do You Want Kids” Difficult for Some People?
The question “Do you want kids?” can be difficult for some people because it’s an emotionally-charged question. Many people asking are emotionally invested in the answer, such as family members who want grandkids, nieces or nephews. Additionally, it's not always black and white. Some people only want kids if certain conditions are met, like financial goals, having a suitable partner or being married. The question can also create a sense of urgency, if the person being asked feels as though there is a rush involved. Lastly, the question can create feelings of shame or awkwardness, if the person being asked feels as though they aren't meeting the family's expectations of them.
Challenges in Deciding Whether or Not to Have Kids
People face numerous challenges when deciding whether or not to have kids:
Financial concerns - Living in Los Angeles, or anywhere in California for that matter, is super costly, and many people fear that having children will be too much of a financial burden to bear.
Change of lifestyle - Having kids often entails a major change in lifestyle, whether that means moving further from the city center to afford more space or swapping favorite activities for more kid-friendly ones.
Change of identity - A lot of folks frankly can't imagine what being a parent will be like or feel like. They may fear losing parts of themselves that they cherish or losing the time to engage in meaningful hobbies.
Lack of independence - It's an undeniable fact that once you have a child you are responsible for their care and development. That can be a daunting thought! It's no longer "all about you."
Doubting partner readiness or the relationship in general - Millennials (especially those who grew up in a divorced household) often delay childrearing as a means of ensuring that their relationship is in a solid place first.
Fertility issues - It's a reality that many couples struggle to conceive. Knowing that this is a possibility can add another perceived obstacle in the process, making it harder to decide.
Maternal age - So many millennial women struggle with the fear of "the ticking clock." Sometimes it feels easier in the short-term to just decide not to have kids rather than feeling that impeding deadline.
Ability to travel - It's no surprise that having kids makes it harder to travel. Because most millennials missed out on years of travel during the pandemic, they might be experiencing YOLO vibes and wanting to catch up for lost travel opportunities.
Guilt about increasing the global population - The millennial generation as a whole cares about the environment and is concerned about the environmental impact of a growing population.
Uncertainty about bringing a child into a world they see as “broken” - I often hear in my therapy sessions with clients the question "is it selfish to have children" considering the turbulent times we live in.
Common Fears About Parenting
There are various fears people might experience when considering having kids:
Fear of the commitment of parenting (the "forever-ness" of it)
Fear of their mental health (or their partner’s) getting worse, especially fears of postpartum depression
Lack of family leave benefits
Lack of community support
Fear of being a bad parent or “screwing up their kid”
Fear of later regretting having a kid
Preventing Factors and Emotional Challenges
Several factors might prevent people from having kids, and they may face emotional challenges with these issues:
Infertility: There can be significant costs associated with IVF and other fertility treatments. Some people don't have support with this, or have a hard time asking family for financial support for this.
Traumatic childhood: For those with unresolved past trauma, the idea of bringing a child into the world can be scary. Often, people will be reminded of a particular trauma that occurred once their child reaches an age when they experienced the trauma.
No desire: Simply not wanting children is a valid reason, but it can be difficult to communicate to others.
Addressing Indecision About Having Kids
If you’re uncertain about whether or not you want to have children, consider scheduling a few sessions with a licensed therapist or life coach. The professional will be able to ask questions and help you identify what will be the best choice for you and what issues you may need to resolve in order to come to a decision. Sometimes, you do actually know what you want, but your fears or familial expectations are getting in the way of you owning your decision.
When deciding if you want kids, consider the following:
Imagine Your Life with Kids: Picture all the years ahead from infancy through toddlerhood, school age, the teenage years, young adulthood and beyond. Do you see yourself happy holding a baby? Do you see yourself thriving in a nurturing, playful and supportive role? Do you see yourself maintaining your sense of self, your intimate relationship and your bond with the child?
Evaluate Your Readiness: Understand that no one ever feels 100% ready to have kids. Determine if you feel ready enough to tolerate the discomfort and take the plunge. The readiness will come from lived experience.
Separate Desire from Decision: Differentiate between societal or familial expectations and your genuine desires. Reflect deeply on what you truly want versus what you feel you should want.
You can answer these questions either through mentally pondering them, journaling or speaking with a supportive person about them.
Advice for People Who Do Not Want Kids but Keep Getting Asked
If you do not want kids but keep getting asked about it, setting boundaries is crucial. You can tell the person that it’s a deeply personal topic and that you don’t feel comfortable addressing that subject with them.
Final Thoughts
Deciding whether or not to have children is a tough choice to make, filled with many complexities and emotions. It’s essential to make this decision based on what feels right for you, releasing societal and familial expectations. Engage in reflective practices such as journaling, meditation and therapy to come to an authentic decision. Trust yourself, and know that whatever you choose, it’s okay. You have the power to shape your life in a way that aligns with your true desires.
Crisis Support
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Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
About the author
Hi! I'm Natalie. And my passion is helping ambitious, creative millennials achieve everything they want in life, career and relationships. I provide in-person therapy in Pasadena and online therapy throughout California. Click here to get started.
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